10-09-2011

I observed Yom Kippur yesterday. Sort of.

Yom Kippur is Hebrew for Day of Atonement, or Repentance. Coming only ten days after the new year (Rosh Hashanah) it allows for a space of time to reflect on your transgressions over the past year, and consider the year ahead. Yom Kippur became somewhat important for me because it also coincides almost perfectly with the half-way point of Peace Corps service. And since I just returned from Mid-Service Conference (or mid-service training, MST) in Pretoria on Friday afternoon – which was a lot of reflection, intentional and unintentional, by the PCVs on what the hell exactly are we doing in South Africa – it sort of continued the sentiment. In a good way.

Both MST and Yom Kippur – for me personally – had a lot in common. First off, my connection to Judaism is feeble, through relation and name only. And lately, I’ve been feeling the same way about Peace Corps, that I’m part of Peace Corps by name only and really, I’m just a teacher in the school and that white guy in the village.

Both started out as a reflection of a lot of failure and loss. The first year as a Peace Corps volunteer was tough; I showed up with what I wanted to accomplish, only to have a lot of it thrown back in my face. Or worse, ignored completely. I thought about each project I knew was just so perfect, so important and so gratifying that I had to dive right in, all else be damned. I had wasted a lot of time looking at people as victims in need of rescuing, as one of the people at MST put it. In addition, two of my closest friends in the Peace Corps both ET’d during MST; I had time to reflect on how much I’ve relied on both of them at times to steady myself here and how much they will be missed here for what time is left.

Both allowed me to see that reflection of loss and failure for what it was. Thinking about Peace Corps service, all that mattered was me. I didn’t spend time thinking about what the people needed, but what I needed to do – whether to prove to myself or justify myself or whatever, the key thing was always “what have I done” and “what have I accomplished”. Failing to do so was just that…failing. It implied that a better volunteer would have done even more, that the community might be disappointed in what I had given.

Don’t get me wrong, I have seen a lot of success in my work as well, both in and out of the classroom. But I was left, overall, feeling unfulfilled.

In the end, both ended up being about reflection on the next year – and a reevaluation. Peace Corps isn’t really about projects; or rather, the projects you take on shouldn’t be what is keeping you here. It’s about relationships, connecting with others and sharing experiences. The projects just become a little more incidental, sort of a bonus to what’s really going on. And I think I kind of like that.

Just some of the things a 25 hour fast will get you thinking about. L’shanah tovah, here’s to one more year in Africa.

:- )
-Ryan